camouflage

Houses of Parliament from Westminster Bridge

"He passed the Clock Tower. The House looked lacy and imposing, more beautiful than fashion granted. Did they spin the web of England's future in that House? Or were they painting camouflage -- a screen, over old England?" -- Galsworthy, "A Modern Comedy" (255).

I've been feeling wretched these last few days. I have days when I'm perfectly fine and then others when everything seems too terribly difficult to deal with, people seem too difficult to deal with. I don't know what has brought on this sudden inability to deal with people, but I need to let my feelings out, even though I will hurt people in the process. Suppressing these feelings only make them more powerful, to the point that when I do let them out, they are very destructive.

I think my main problem is that I question my feelings about people. I'm so unhappy with the actions of some people but I do not know if I am right in thinking so. So much of what I dislike about life I feel are things that I just have to deal with. But for some reason I can't just deal with them anymore.

I'm afraid that most people's apparent personality -- or whatever -- are just a camouflage. How do I know if they have my best interests at heart, when their actions suggest otherwise? And even when people are seemingly kind, I still worry that they will hurt me in some way. I'm too sensitive for my own good. Although, I have developed the ability to be quite mean to them now. Protection? Good-sense?

When you have a mother who acts one way in the morning and a different way in the night -- and you have grown up with this, learned that there are often two different (one good, one not) sides to a human -- you learn not to trust people's seemingly good intentions.