04 November 2008

I hate my life. Is that okay? I'm living in London but hate my life.

I'm bored.

I try to delude myself into thinking that I'm leading an interesting life. But I'm not. I'm in London, yeah, so what, it's a city like any other.

I read about other people's lives and I think they are so much more worthwhile than mine, even the people who spent half their life on drugs who can't remember their youth.

I've never done drugs. I hardly drink. I lead a boring, pathetic life. The highlights of my life are knitting, reading victorian literature, going to the theatre, alone.

I hate my classes. I think an English degree is useless, yet it is the only thing I can do, read books, try to make some sense out of them.

I wish I were in America but I also don't. I wish I had my family with me, even if they are hopelessly neurotic. There is something stable, even in the unstable.

I wish I had a boyfriend -- yukk, hate that term -- rather, I wish I had a lover -- hate that term too because it is connotatively overly sentimental. I wish I had a guy that wouldn't be around too much, who is passionate, and does things, who doesn't treat me like the child I sorta still am. A guy who wears a longish black coat -- not trenchish but thick and warm -- who smells of high street cologne like the samples in GQ, who has really good looking hair, and is tall.

I can't sleep at night, because I am alone. An empty bed is the worst thing ever.

I wish I could afford cute London clothes. I wish I had a pair of big black boots like all the girls wear in the fall. I wish I could dress myself fashionably. I wish I wasn't afraid to wear a hat because I think they make me look awkward.

I wish I had someone to go to the pub with, to stay there with until it closes, and then run around London with until the sun comes up. I wish I could flag down a black cab and instruct the cabbie to drive me to any destination, even though I could just take the tube or walk.

I want to watch the sun come up in the morning and feel inspired, feel that life is worth something.

I don't want to worry about money, even when I have plenty of it. I want to just buy whatever I fancy, at least once in a while, without feeling guilty about my parents at home who are so bad at saving money (saving is not in their vocabulary) that they can't afford to pay their bills, and so are constantly hounded by creditors.

I wish I had someone in my life that would pick me up from the ground and tell me everything will be all right, instead of always having to pick myself up. Who wouldn't make me feel guilty for being so hopeless, as I think I am.

7 comments:

emmsifoppicus said...

As you might have gathered, I share some of those feelings RE: guy.

As for the others, I can sense how you feel. Hope things perk up really soon, and things warm up :) x

abb said...

it is absolutely okay that you hate your life. london does not equal perfect happy life. you are strong, you are beautiful, put on a bloody hat and wear it like you know it looks good. other people will think so too. hang on to the little things. try to make a friend to go to the pub with. try to think of school as a minor problem that you just have to finish up while you enjoy being in London. don't feel pressured to be happy just because you are there. that is silly. you are still human. buy yourself some boots. and you do not need a man.

HelenW said...

I want a man.

But otherwise, yes, you are right.

emmsifoppicus said...

Yeah, what abb said! What true stuff they say!

molski said...

i am going to buy a fedora from a market before i leave, i decided that today. i now where whatever i want. and you should too. buy a hat with me.

and let's switch lives. i hate my life most of the time. but i just love being here. try not to worry about what other people are doing. just do whatever you want to do.

as for men. wish i could help. same problem. only men i can even have a decent conversation with are gay or married. somebody has a fear of commitment

Anonymous said...

Mother Mercy, your honesty is blinding. You have some conflicting desires, which is normal. (My desires are like the Hatfields and the McCoys.)

You have enough insight to realize that the setting doesn't change the hunger or the void, the person or the heart - to a lasting degree, at least.

You seem to long for an almost magical, temporary connection with a lovely man. A noble fantasy that's not too far fetched.

Have you seen BEFORE SUNRISE? Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy? If you haven't, I highly recommend that you rent it and try to watch it alone, uninterrupted.

Then rent BEFORE SUNSET, the same cast and director, picking up the story a decade or so later.

rosefromearth said...

Changing locations doesn't automatically mean that everything changes. London's brilliant, but I'm from there so it's different brilliant than it would be for you.

It's not as if I really know you, but I have read your blog (is that weird? well, you read mine) and it seems like most of the time you are fairly enthralled with everything around you. That's a lovely way to be. And an English degree is never useless, knowing random information can save your life (believe me, I know, and I don't even have any A Levels). I think that you like books, so what's wrong with reading them and knowing them and loving them? Nothing.

As for the bloke... well, I wish I could be more help there. My first serious boyfriend left me in debt and broken hearted (not good) and my second one moved to a parallel universe.

Anyway, you posted this ages ago and are probably all bucked up by now, but thought I'd drop a line anyway.