why I am unhappy

To lighten the mood before proceeding into the dark and tormenting, I shall post



Sorry, that was wasted on people who don't watch top gear.

extracts from a letter I wrote to a friend tonight. Weirdly enough putting them here so that I can remember why I feel the way I do. -- have you ever had that? You feel upset and then you strike it on the head why you do and then you forget what you were angry about. I do all the time. i think it is b/c I'm not entirely emotionally alert. I try to hide the fact that I'm unhappy and so I repress why it is I am. I feel sometimes like I'm walking around in a daze of anger and sadness.

(Not that I'm always unhappy. But you know how it is. We all have moments of unhappiness that linger, forever shadowing even the happiest of moments just a little).


Everyone around me is so unhappy. It is hard to be happy when you have no one to be happy with, especially when all those who you do have in your life are so unhappy themselves.

And me. I'm pissed off at me. I'm pissed off that I find it so difficult to like people. I have such an immense hatred of people right now. I cringe when I walk in the kitchen and someone is in there. My flat mates are all nice to me but I hate the stupid little chit-chat you have to make up -- how's your day, what are you doing....

And the students in my class, with their know-it-all mechanical responses, and instructors who (even 18th century lit) are not inspiring enough for me. I feel like I need too much, but I can't help that what I have in front of me isn't good enough. I struggle b/w trying to find what I want and trying to get something out of what I have. And this has been for too long. I moved to bloody London! to find something new -- something more rewarding -- and I feel more dead than ever.


And I hate more than anything having to write these things.