people and fate

I don't know if my aversion to people is due to my low tolerance for people's actions or their own stupidity. I think it may be both.

I expect too much of people. But I'm so unhappy faced with people who make me upset.

I have had two parents who find it difficult to do the littlest thing. So many people are so dramatic about things that don't matter. I can't stand this! I literally can't. I get up, I volunteer, I try to find a job, I get on with my day. It isn't easy. Sometimes it seems impossible. But I do it.

I guess I want someone to look up to. Who will make me better. But it seems that I am always the one that needs to help people. And I resent that.

But I don't think I'll find better.

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I hate ranting.

I'm listening to U2. "One." Wait, it's finished.

What will be next....

Ah, U2 again. And, ironically enough -- "Sometimes You Can't Make it On Your Own." Nice. -- Like I said before, I always set my music on random, so that it picks from all of my albums.

I believe in signs. Kinda. Actually, if someone were to ask me if I did, I would say I do not. Realistically, I don't think they exist. But there's a part of me that wants to believe that they do. Certainly, it sometimes seem as though there is some mystical figure that is paving the path for our life. Coincidence, more than nought, or our own need to provide an explanation for a seemly intentional instance.

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My money transferred into my American account. The loan money I had in my British account. So today I made an expensive hair appointment. I'll have my hair dyed and cut.

Getting my hair done is, for me, a means of reinventing myself. Becoming something than what I am.

I am always trying to make myself different. I have a bit of self-hatred. I wish I were prettier, smarter, less nervous. Although, sometimes, I find the good in these qualities.

I wish I looked like her:



I kinda envy Sophia Myles her natural beauty, but I certainly don't hate her for it. I think it is wonderful that such beautiful people exist. I'm quite a fan of beauty, in all forms. But sometimes I wish I had that. Because I feel that beautiful inside.

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"Rose's Theme" from Doctor Who Soundtrack ending. Next track is (will it be telling?): Chanson D'Enfance from Sarah Brightman. Had to translate it's meaning -- although I can sing it entirely in French having listened to it enough. "Song of Childhood."

Non important.