I went to Walnut Grove today. A new restaurant opened where I live. I am going to send in an application for a job waitressing. I am scared. Of everything now. But scared of waitressing, of doing something wrong, breaking a plate or something. But I need money. And I can't get anything else.
My parents are yelling at one another. Every day, every night. They yell at one another. No money to pay for anything. I get sick hearing them.
I need a new place to live, and people who don't make me feel sick to my stomach.
I told my mother I hate her last night. I hate her for always being drunk and not doing anything. It was during a 20 minute electrical black out -- all the lights on the street and in the houses went out -- and I went to get a flash light and mother was being drunk and I told her I hated her. I think I could only have done that in the dark.
I just really hate people right now. People I can't depend on. One of my acquaintances doesn't want anything to do with me now because he knows that I can't depend on him -- that he's not dependable -- and that I need that. And he doesn't think he can trust me, which he probably can't. I know too much what is bad, and cannot be simple and nice right now. And he needs that, I guess, someone who isn't filled with hatred for the world around her.
It is useless getting close to people, for me. They always think I am so much nicer and simpler than I am. But they learn otherwise. And then, something always happens -- in any relationship, for every person -- and people run away.
My whole life, I have had people in my life who I have been close with and they no longer like me, and they leave. I'm not trying to get sympathy here. But it is curious. Friends in middle school and high school that I was so close with and they find other people. I've never really thought about it and what effect that has had on me, if any. I just figure that they find people who are cooler -- it was all about who was cool in school in middle school -- or they marry, or they move away (or I move away) and they find other people. I think I've taken it for a matter of course that people will leave me. Why I don't get too close to them.
That's sad.
About Me
- HelenW
- Life, believe, is not a dream -- So dark as sages say; -- Oft a little morning rain -- Fortells a pleasant day. (Charlotte Bronte, "Life")
Emmanuelle Beart
A Heart in Winter
Rosamund Pike
David Tennant
Amy Adams
Tony Leung in "Love in a Fallen City"
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2 comments:
I'm glad you got that out about your mother. It's never fun, and yes, it's a little sad, but you needed to say it, and she needed to hear it. You can't just keep that in your whole life. Trust me, a love-hate relationship with one's parents is really the only possible option. I hope waitressing works out for you. I think it can, and will. Everyone breaks plates though. It's part of the game. The next day, no-one will remember or care. Bon chance-
yeah dont worry about the waitressing stuff. just remember that no matter what, its not the end of the world if a plate breaks or if someone complains about something. people just need to chill out.
and trust me i could swap some family stories, but i understand what youre going through more than you could know.
try to give people a chance. don't shut people out because of your past.
i mean i think 90 percent of humans are irritating and awful, but those other ten percent..they're worth the effort.
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