11 Oct 09

Not at all sick today. That's how it goes. Some days just wretched, and there's nothing to do to stop feeling that way. And then others, completely fine.

I feel my spirit dwindling, so far, and to a greater extent than it ever has. It doesn't seem like there is much of anything good in this life, and I don't feel like being here anymore. Not that I am suicidal, by any means no. I have some zest for life still. I read from a novel last night, set in the 19th century, and felt more alive than I do in my own life. If it weren't for literature...

Okay, now this truly sounds as if I want to off myself. But it is just that every day life bores me so much, and there seems no cure for it.

I took a walk today, and had a fantasy. Some guy living here who's British but lives in London 6 months out of the year, and here 6 months. And how nice it would be if we could spend half the year here, and the other in England. I could work for the British library and waitress here. The best of both worlds.

My foolish hopes will never live up to reality.